Anxiety Haul

GRWM as I try on my brand new anxieties!

Éxodo (2022) by Julio Larraz

*positions ring light and camera and begins to record*

Hey guys! Good moooorning! Today I am doing a GRWM because I thought it’d be fun to unpack my newest anxieties. These new ones feel important because they add a little something special to my already existing, all encompassing, forever crippling anxiety. So let’s take my new anxiety haul for a spin!

Todays new anxieties are very exciting and I really can’t wait to share. Honestly? I think you’re going to love these new ones as I think they add a bigger and broader and a general state of endless panic to my overall state of being. 

*begins to pour foundation on the back of my hand, whips out hot pink beauty blender*

So before I start I just want to let you know that I’M VERY AWARE that this color foundation does not match my skin tone. I bought it online in a hurry when I saw everyone else was buying it. I thought I matched myself well but now seeing it on me it’s obvious it’s a few shades too dark. I will try my best to have this come together with the contour and the bronzing and the blush and the eyeshadow and the lip liner and the concealer and I have also considered holding my breath until my face turns blue so that it softens the overall reddish tone of my face.

Anywaaaaays, I love having anxiety because there is something about being alive for the past three years that just always has me thinking about death! Like, let’s just put our whole chest into knowing something will go wrong today, and if you find yourself at the wrong place at the wrong time, at the same place as another person who is heavily armed with a war weapon and repressed rage, you can actually die. Don’t you just love the way that adds a little something to your anxiety? The way that all these uncertainties are a little too overwhelming to process so you just find yourself internalizing your breakdowns?

*starts manically pressing beauty blender into face to blend out foundation*

Ok so if you’re a mom, this becomes exacerbated. Because not only do you have to worry about keeping yourself somewhat sane and somewhat healthy so you can continue providing and caring for your kid(s) but now you also have to worry about them being out in the world, and if they're even going to make it back home. This train of thought, particularly, really sends numbness down my spine all the way to the bottoms of my feet, and makes my breathing so shallow that I inevitably begin to wheeze as my body becomes desperate for the air it can’t absorb.

*pauses to stare at face, realizes how insanely bad the color looks against my neck*

……..

*proceeds to contour forehead, cheeks, nose, chin, and neck with a contour stick*

For those of you who may not know, I’ll recap my already existing anxieties for you but I also urge you to go back to my page and scroll my history so you can get the full download on all of my crippling anxieties. Strangely, they're all about death? Isn’t that so weird? I wonder if it’s because there is nothing about living in this country that correlates with the promise of being alive. I wonder if it’s because everyday I am mentally preparing for my possible doom, or my kids, or my husbands, or my parents, or his parents. It can’t possibly be because there have been more mass shootings in 2023 than actual days, right? No it can’t be.

*shrugs shoulders in a way that refuses to process this kind of fact, because it’s easier to live in a state of denial, than to actually absorb a truth of this gravity*

….

*taps the actual fuck out of my cheekbones to blend in the contour*

…..

*taps so hard as a means of willing my face to carve itself out, willing my cheekbones to disappear*

Not only does this country prepare us for our own impending doom everyday thanks to the mass media, but I also love how it literally couldn’t care less if you’re sick. Oh you’re sick too? Can’t get a doctor’s appointment until three months out? Samesies! Love that for us. 

My kids are currently battling the flu, my youngest is asthmatic when he’s heavily congested. It’s such a testament to the way the country views young kids, when we can’t even provide children’s Tylenol for them. I am behind on everything because I am literally driving to every CVS within a 15 mile radius on a search for it. It’s a familiar feeling though, since I was already doing this to find formula a few months ago. I have become so used to going to the furthest extreme of my mothering.

Currently I am somewhat complacent in knowing that my kids may or may not have their basic necessities that it actually doesn’t give me the daily anxiety that it once did. Instead it creeps up in a big random wave on a random day, where I feel like I can't even see straight. Which means I can’t leave the house! Or drive! Or do any kind of daily mom task!

In the meantime, just catch us here at home rationing our Tylenol. Catch me staying up all night monitoring their fevers and questioning whether or not I should give them a dose or if I should save it. 

*looks at face, sees it is looking abhorrently orange*

……

*proceeds with makeup routine anyway, looks for brow tool*

What I love about being a mom is that after I pushed my two kids out from my vagina they not only took a lot of my dignity but they took my heart out of my chest, broke it in two amongst themselves, and now they each carry a piece of it with them, wherever they go, wherever they are. My heart lives outside of my body. I am always susceptible to heartbreak, at any given time. It is really hard to be a mom right now with everything that’s going on in the world. Really, really, hard.

So that’s it for today guys. Listen, I know we had our doubts today but I think my makeup came out absolutely stunning. She is a full coverage girly because she is trying to repress many realities in her life. I may put this foundation away and bring her back out during the summertime as it’s a touch too dark for this putrid and depressing as fuck winter we’re having. Did I miss anything from my haul today? Any new anxieties paving way in your life worth discussing? Let me know in the comments! 

*blows kiss into camera, puts hand under chin to wave goodbye*