Chocolate

Celebrating 1,000 subscribers!

POLLUTED LOVE (2021) by Bony Ramirez

I give my kids a bite-sized chocolate every morning. It’s an easter egg shaped chocolate wrapped in pastel colored foil. It takes me forever to peel the foil because of my long nails and it drives them absolutely insane. These little chocolates are my way of bribing them - hoping it motivates them to journey to the table, sit down, pick up their utensils, and eat real food. It’s our way of kick starting the morning and accepting that we have another day to power through. Because sometimes it’s too early to be bombarded with another day full of responsibilities and deadlines. Because having a chocolate in the morning is a small mission towards empowerment. Because one little chocolate can be a spiritual practice. 

*one minute after chocolates were dispersed*

Eldest Son: *mouth full of chocolate* More chocolate please!!!!!!!

Me (the Mother, the adult, the leader): Mommy is almost done with your banana pancakes!! theyre going to be so good, I promise. Just two more minutes. Mommy is so excited for these pancakes, yay!

Eldest Son: *completely ignores what I just said, tears begin to flow* Mommy more chocolate PleEAAsseee!!!

Youngest Son: *points at bag of chocolate with wide eyes* This! This! This! 

This essay is celebrating 1,000 subscribers to bobbie. I am shocked by this news! This is purely a passion project for me, and I never thought I’d get more than 10 people to read this thing, so I feel excited. Thank you so much for smashing that subscribe button and for sharing my work. It’s been a little easier to come to the page lately, and I have you to thank for that. In all seriousness, I am so grateful! 

I was on the phone with a writer the other day who mentioned my work is very revealing. Obviously, I took this as a criticism because I am very sensitive and tender. Immediately, I thought to myself: how did we get to this place of deep resistance to revealing who we are?

My internal monologue continues:

Stephanie, there are limits to what we should reveal! 

…Are there? 

…It feels like there are.

I reject that! What I do know is there are people in this world with a deep resistance to processing their pain and as a result, understanding who they are. I see people completely frozen in their self-consciousness. I reject trying to fit a mold, I reject the resistance to my humanness. In other words, people that are too palpable bore the shit out of me. Aren’t you bored?

…Maybe. But Stephanie! You are not a therapist! 

Likely not! But! My awareness is constantly expanding! My heart is open! I am so cringe and so free!

I told my writer friend that in reality, I hold back a lot. I’m not as revealing as I could be. I’m still practicing what it’s like to understand oneself wholeheartedly. It’s good, at the very least, to not be resistant to that. It’s helpful to consider this practice as a lifelong journey to ultimately revealing exactly what I am. At some point, in the distant future, this will make sense. It doesn’t always make sense right now. But if I write enough, one day it ultimately will. May the universe accept that at my big age of 35, I am just as lost and confused as ever. 

Bobbie is this: A way to break down the barriers of my own contempt. I want to take myself out of my comfort zone as much as I can without it breaking me down. My writing practice, my relationship with other people, the way I view the world - I want to, somehow, incorporate love and service and honesty in all of these aspects. I’d like to think this is all some form of spiritual practice. Instead of yearning for who I’m not, this is my practice of acceptance. This is the way I accept who I am and how I choose to live. This is my way of grounding. There are ways to have our little chocolate, no matter what sort of criticism will ultimately follow. Bobbie is my little chocolate in the mornings. 

Anyways, you’re probably wondering if I gave my kids more chocolate. I’ve been so consumed in my self-righteousness as a way to delay in telling you that yes, I did. I gave them more chocolate. I needed the screaming to stop. I needed the tears to stop flowing. I needed to restore peace in the kitchen. As a leader I run my dictatorship submissive to my people and their needs. Did I ruin their appetite and make the banana pancakes for no reason? Also, yes. A resounding, heartfelt, gut-wrenching yes. 

Bobbie is my constant perspective of simplicity. I am trying to tell you that I want all of us to know more about each other because that's how we feel like we belong to the world. There is so much intimacy here. I want to tell you my stories because stories are never boring and always worthwhile. I write to understand how my beliefs came to be. I write in the interest of our survival. 

Thank you for 1,000 subscribers! I am so happy to have you.