Consumption
a post about me <3
Firstly, I just want to say hi to all of my new subscribers! I’m so happy you’re here. For today’s entry I wanted to use this post as a brief intro about me for those who may not know:
My name is Stephanie and I have two beautiful sons, ages 3 and 1. I was a Fashion Editor at InStyle for almost 7 years and worked at O, the Oprah Magazine (now Oprah Daily) before that. All to say, I have always loved words and perfectly curated images. We moved out of the West Village last year and have since settled in Bronxville. My life is overwhelmingly domestic and full of sacrifice and martyrdom. It wasn’t until I had my first child that I began to yearn for something different and decided to reevaluate my career in fashion. Now, I write essays.
But before getting into all that, I have been trying to deconstruct my relationship with fashion. Not only because it was my job for so long, but also because everyone has their relationship with it. What is mine when I was once a Fashion Editor? Firstly, I want to express clearly and firmly that I am a consumer. I love to shop because I have been told it makes you happy. I am a sucker for trends and made it a job to forecast trends and tell you how to achieve them. I have been sold the dream that when you shop you turn your greasy insect self into a radiant butterfly and you are a rare delectable bite of beauty and you are the smartest thing in the world for purchasing the things that you purchase and you should write a book on how to consume because no one does it quite like you.
So, I was once a consumer who told other people what to consume. It was a dream come true!
Fashion holds a very special place in my heart. I moved to NYC 11 years ago to pursue it. I learned the city by going on runs to deliver garments to celebrities for their red carpet appearances (this was before Google Maps.) I once went on the subway with over 1 million dollars of jewelry in my purse to deliver to an A Lister and my boss at the time patted me on the back and said “Go with God.” I pulled countless all-nighters. I became accustomed to a 5am call time. I have never worked so hard in my life, fashion is a test of both physical and mental endurance. I have dressed most of the most famous women in the world. And in being exposed to this for almost 10 years, I have broken fashion down to a few simple thoughts:
Fashion is a beast much bigger than any of us, it is a system that has piggybacked off of capitalism and it completely rules the way we live our lives. It is a system that derived in the early days of patriarchy and white supremacy. It is, undeniably, unavoidable. Fashion does not source joy, it sources status. And as for me, I am privileged to understand it in the way that I do. I am able to appreciate it and see it for what it is. Mass culture will perpetuate the idea that fashion is responsible for my joy, but it’s not. I am responsible for my joy.
At the same time, to live a life without fashion is not a life worth living! I could argue that all of the most memorable images ever taken is thanks to it. Fashion is a vital tool in self-expression, a world without fashion would be so dull and bland. It holds a world of wisdom, we like what we like because of the great fashion designers who paved the way for us. Fashion is a conversation starter because it is exciting to appreciate pretty and nostalgic things. Fashion is a way to tell stories, a way we remember things, the visuals we hold onto in our memories is thanks to fashion.
I love it. I hate it. It has made me so smart and so stupid at the same time. I am indebted to it in so many ways. I miss working in it because throughout it all, it has brought me closer to many crucial awakenings. Whether you like it or not, fashion will always keep you on your toes.
I think what changed about me after giving birth was the undeniable force of loneliness that consumed me. I wanted so badly to fit the mold of what I was “groomed” to believe a mother should be. It feels like a sense of self-betrayal to admit that I don’t always like being a mom and that most-of-the-time, I feel extremely ill suited for it. Becoming a mom awakened me to all of my childhood trauma in a way that wasn’t so clear before my children. I started taking writing classes and fell in love with women writers who made me feel like me. I started writing about longing, I started submitting myself to my stream of consciousness, falling privy to whatever comes out of the blank page. I publish what I feel and it is a profound act even if what I have to say is menial and small. I feel like I am just now, in my full adulthood, starting to understand emotion. So I started Bobbie, named after my son's nickname, as a way to expand on all of this.
I started Bobbie for a few reasons:
1. I want to keep myself accountable in my writing, in hopes I can get to know myself better and that I can become “better” at writing if I flex this muscle enough. Bobbie keeps me coming to the blank page, and it is sometimes scary to be here, but always rewarding.
2. I wanted to share my stories in hopes to build a community, and I feel so grateful that I am beginning to see some semblance of that. Loneliness is universal, and in some small way I’d like to think I'm helping myself (and maybe some of you) through it. Maybe this is why I call myself an oversharer: I cherish all the stories that people have shared with me as a result of reading some of my work. We are undeniably human, striving for connection, so why don't we show that more often, you know?
3. Now as a mother, I think a lot about how I was raised. My children awakened me to my emotional immaturity and it’s time to show some accountability for my emotional stagnancy, and it’s time to understand myself and where I’ve come from…emotionally. (we talk a lot about emotions here incase you couldn’t tell.) Thank you so much for reading Bobbie, if you’d like to share this newsletter with a friend, please do so below <3
Bobbie
Raising my two sons and my inner child at the same time.
(sorry but i’m obsessed with my tagline).
Since there’s no essay today, I wanted to put together a list of some of my favorite essays. These are the essays that I come back to, time and time again. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do:
You're a very beautiful writer and you speak with a clear voice. Wonderful.
Love This 🥹💙