How Should a Mother Be?

Plus, a short quiz to determine what kind of Mother you are!

Maternity (1924) by Joan Miró

As Mother’s Day approaches I ask myself this very complicated, very loaded question: how should a Mother be? I imagine all the mothers mothering right now in the world, how we are all just surviving and trying to raise our little person(s) into decent people. We are all just tiny specks of dirt in this universe, carrying through the hardest job we will ever be handed. If the journey of life is played out by textures, Motherhood would be the rough sandpaper part. It just so happens that we live in an age where mothering is very fucking hard. I imagine every era has its ups and downs, though. I’m sure it would’ve also been tough to mother in the Stone Age era or the 2008 economic crash era. Currently we are in a womens-rights-take-away-pandemic era. If it were me? I’d be a Mom during the 14th century. I’d wake up, pass my little nuisance off to the midwives that service the community while I put on a white flowy dress, and grab my trusty pale of water to walk to the nearest spring to prepare a bath for myself. The Medieval era seemed tops for having babies. 

So right now I’m thinking about Mother’s Day and how I would actually like some time alone on a day like this? Because like, everyday is Mother’s Day, is it not? Everyday my kids present me with hugs and kisses, in the same way they present me with tantrums and broken items that need my repair. Everyday another Mother is being questioned at the doctors office for her level of pain despite the U.S having the highest maternal mortality rate, especially amongst Black women. Everyday a Mother makes a choice of putting her child first or her job first. Everyday we’re asking the government to keep the laws off our bodies. Everyday we are asking for affordable childcare but instead we get emails for 20% off at Buy Buy Baby! So you see, as I see it, everyday is a day for Mothers. On Sunday I just want to sit in a Renaissance-esque bath for an hour and not worry about nap time or lunch time or bath time or tummy time. 

A cool thing about being a Mother is you have an overloaded sensory explosion due to how many examples were forced to see about what makes a “good” Mother. For example, every time I open up my phone I see things like this:

A “good” Mother makes playtime a sensory experience! 

A “good” Mother feeds her kids cute pinwheels of organic cheeses and charcuterie! 

A “good” Mother drops her kid off and picks her kid up so they don’t have to take the bus!

A “good” Mother reads the same book to her child at least 15 times a day!

I recall a time in my life where this type of messaging completely subdued me. I felt like I needed to cross off all the boxes of what society claims a “good” mother to be. The explanation in all this is that once I became a Mother, my destiny and my identity all became crumpled up, more obscure, harder to reach. When things are this way, fuzzy and unclear, I reached for ways on how to be a “good” Mother, like a tangible road I could follow. How do you raise decent people? How do you take care of yourself and your child(ren) at the same time? How should a Mother be?

I think all of us, at some point, have dimmed ourselves down just to check the box of what makes a “good” Mother. Unfortunately there are Moms that still do. You know which ones those are because they will laugh nervously when you ask them how they’re doing and respond with “I love my kids!” They will continue to talk themselves up, but clearly not say what they mean. Be weary of those women, their souls have departed. We will pray for them at a later time. 

One good thing about me though, is my soul too, has left my body but at least I’m a normal Mom who complains about her kids any chance she gets. My toddler is now in a really fun stage where he tells me he’s hungry and I make him his favorite foods for him to ultimately grab his bowl and throw it in the garbage as he runs away laughing diabolically! I have so much complaining to do that I will dump that onto anyone with ears. See? Totally normal Mom things.

Twice a week my toddler’s speech therapist comes over and she usually brings a big doll house that contains ‘lots of different rooms. This usually spurs up a lot of talking as they go through the different rooms together. For example, the therapist will say “look here’s the bathroom” in which my toddler will say “peepee in the potty!” Or “look at the big stove in the kitchen” where my toddler will say “pasta yummy!” Then there’ll be a room with a big bed upstairs. The speech therapist will point at this room and my toddler will say “mommy no sleeping!” Out of all things to say about the bedroom upstairs with the big bed this is what he decides to say. I can testify the truth to this, my toddler really hates when mommy sleeps.

I imagine him waking up in the morning and plotting the rest of his day. At 4:59am, while the house is still dark and the sun has yet to rise, he wakes up suddenly and thinks I will stop at nothing to drive mommy crazy today. I will not settle for anything other than chaos. No other type of day is acceptable to me. Mommy must wake up and succumb to my madness.

It feels as though these thoughts strike him every morning, like an epiphany. A sudden decision where there is no turning back as he exits his room to shake the baby gate and wake up the whole house with his screams.

So every morning, at 5am I wake up in a very obscene manner. As he shakes the gate he will scream with all his might “mommy no sleeping!!” The screaming and the gate-shaking eventually pulls me out of bed and towards his room. Before the sun rises, I’m already going mad, I’m already at some kind of limit. The day ensues with a continuous theme of madness and testing of limits. So when I tell you my soul has departed my body, this is partly why.  

I’m sorry but my toddler is the cutest most wicked child that has ever tumbled through this earth. My baby is soon to be 7 months old and we are now seeing the early stages of a temper. Being a Mother to my children is like a form of divine love that envelopes us and accepts us for everything that we are, our whole selves wrapped in acceptance and compassion. It’s the divine love that’s raising us, my babies and me. There are perfect moments; like when my toddler cups my cheeks with both of his hands and gives me an Eskimo kiss, or when my baby lets out a deep laugh as soon as he poops his pamper. It’s hard to choose between these moments, because when I say they’re perfect, they really are. 

For whatever reason I have created a quiz. A quiz that will determine what kind of Mother you are. The prize for this quiz is nothing, and this is not whatsoever on a grading scale. So answer these questions however the f**k you want to, or don’t answer them at all. I’ll do you one better, print out this quiz and put it in the trash, or take it to a shredder and watch it become thousands of little bits. Because there are many many angles to a good Mother, and you don’t need a quiz to affirm that you are one. 

Mothering, for the rest of our lives, will be our central preoccupation. So don’t put yourself in a silly little box, okay? There is divine love that hovers over you and your kid(s) and that’s enough. 

Happy Quizzing!

Scenario A: you are giving your spouse a blow job and have fully committed to it being a good one. Meaning you are gagging a little bit and feeling early onset nausea and low-key wishing it was over but you keep going because he’s doing really weird unrhythmic breathing which convinces you he’s enjoying it and that you are a sultry sex maven. Suddenly your toddler is heard screaming “Mommy!” from his room next door. What do you do?

a.  Use this as a reason to give your mouth a break, tell your husband your baby needs you and go tend to your toddler.

b. Finish your husband off, however long that takes and then tend to your toddler whenever the sultry sexy stuff is over.

c. Tell your husband your nausea has escalated to a high degree and lock yourself in the bathroom for a sporadic mommy break. Your husband will eventually tend to the toddler. 

Scenario B: you are on a tight deadline at work but your child needs you to help him play with his Magna-Tiles. You are on the verge of a promotion and this project can really accelerate it. Your child’s been rained in all week and hasn’t gotten much playtime in. What do you do?

a. Put your work project on pause to play Magna-Tiles with your child and tell your boss you need a promotion anyway. 

b. Tell your child that right now is not a good time for Mommy to play but promise them you will play with them over the weekend.

c. Go for a quick walk outside so both of you can recalibrate. Deep breaths! Dividing work and children is an act of heroism. 

Scenario C: you have made a delicious dinner of spaghetti and meatballs and your child refuses to eat it. Instead, they are asking for chicken nuggets. You are tired and annoyed, it’s been a long day! What do you do?

a. Tell them that spaghetti and meatballs isn’t on the menu tonight but you will have chicken nuggets on the menu later in the week.

b. Make them the damn chicken nuggets, begrudgingly.

c. Tell them that it’s in their destiny to eat spaghetti and meatballs tonight, and if they do, they will turn into a magical unicorn in their sleep! This might make them reject sleep entirely so I’d be weary of this answer. To be honest, I likely wouldn’t choose it.